20 Truths:  Kenpachi and Yachiru
by Vivienne Grainger - Bleach
Summary: Some people wonder quite rude things about these two.  This writer, wishing to retain fingers, toes, and large chunks of varied flesh, does not.


Saaaaaaaaaa - lute! to a fan of mine below, who will know. You may not. That's okay.

The last item in no. 12 is not actually true, and is intended only for humor. No writers were harmed in the making of this fanfic.

Tite Kubo's, not mine, not for profit.

1

Kenpachi Zaraki never expected ta find that he had _no idea_ what he was gettin' inta when he adopted Yachiru Kusajichi.

2.

Kenpachi never expected that her tears could drive him ta his own. That was real true when she was a baby, but even now, whenever her heart breaks, so does his.

3.

Kenpachi never expected that th' first time she got wounded badly enough ta be sent home from Fourth Division ta recuperate fer a few days, she'd get her period too.

4.

Kenpachi never expected that, because she needed him to, he would go ta a convenience store in th' Livin' World ta buy tampons while he was still wearin' his captain's haori. A emergency is a emergency, an' he thinks he was lucky they'd open a Senkaimon for him as it was. (He didn' realize just how far under Yachiru's thumb alla Sereitei is.)

5.

Kenpachi never expected that, three days later, after fifty-six hours'a incessant whinin', he would go ta Rukongai, again in th' freakin' haori, ta buy strawberry Pocky an' grape Fanta fer Yachiru _just ta shut her up_. But he did.

6.

Kenpachi never expected th' guys in th' Division ta be unable ta keep their eyes offa Yachiru's developin' chest.

7.

Kenpachi never expected ta panic when Yachiru turned big wet brown eyes on him an' said, "Kenny! I don't know anything about braziers, and Braidy-Lady says I'm startin' ta need one! What're we gonna do?"

8.

Kenpachi never expected ta borrow a underwear catalog from Ikkaku (an' don't ask how he knew Ikkaku had one) ta find braziers, which he did, although they were spelled kinda weird in it. He an' Yachiru went through several pages a' half-naked women together, much harder - er, more difficult - fer Kenpachi than it was fer Yachiru, an' chose some braziers.

9.

Kenpachi never expected ta find that when th' braziers finally came, th' guys were more distracted than ever. Maybe Hollows an' Arrancar would be distracted too?

10.

Kenpachi never expected ta find that he was unwillin' ta risk that (he probably shoulda anticipated it, though). He didn't expect ta acknowledge that he was overmatched in this matter o' braziers, either. But he was an' he did, an' he threw a lifeline to Retsu Unohana. Who, bein' the kinda person she is, came through like a champ fer botha them: she took Yachiru inta a store and got 'er fitted, choosing some braziers that would work ta spar and fight in. She also told them not ta order from Ikkaku's catalog just 'cause it was titled "Victoria's Secret." Victoria, she said, seldom fought or sparred, and that's why she shouldn't be trusted ta develop a brazier that would do fer Yachiru. Yachiru, Retsu said, oughta save Victoria's braziers fer social outin's, parties, and dates. (Th' last three words earned her a glare from Kenpachi.)

11.

Kenpachi never expected that it was pronounced "brah-zeer," but figured Retsu should know. Braziers are those things you burn charcoal in, Unohana-taichou clarified, so that you can put yer food on a grill over th' charcoal an' cook it. She also pointed out that even after they've cooled, an' you've poured out th' charcoal, braziers're very hard to wear on yer chest.

12.

Kenpachi never expected that Yachiru's shopping lists would suddenly grow longer than th' ones he generated ta feed the whole Division fer a week. Used ta be they said "candy" and "pink clothes." Now they said things like "hair spray, gel, _the right_ shampoo, _the right_ conditioner, 'finishin' compound' (that last one didn't stay in th' medicine cabinet very long before she gave it ta Ikkaku, who said it did a great job o' takin' th' shine off his bald pate), foundation in Bisque Pink, powder in Sheer, blush in Lady o' Roses, mascara in Smoke, eyeliner also in Smoke, eyeshadow in Teal Adoration, eyebrow pencil in hard-to-find Alabaster Pink, floss, "Sereitei Chompers" in cinnamon-sparkle flavor or "Soul Society Teeth" in pinkmint if they don't have any cinnamon-sparkle, an electric toothbrush (who the hell has electric teeth? the kenpachi wondered), mint gum, cinnamon mouthwash, cinnamon breath mints, Peach Fairy lip gloss" ... exhausted, no more ... [author collapsed before transcribing balance of list, which goes on for another 154 entries]

13.

Kenpachi never expected ta want ta ask her about that last buncha things, and particularly who they was meant ta impress, but he just couldn't work up th' guts ... what if she said "Byakuchi, of course!"? He'd'a had ta kill th' guy, an' he didn't wanna. He still played battleships - _Wait, put the sword down! We mean, "examined strategies"! That's what we mean! "Examined strategies" is what we mean!_ - with Byakuya every now an' then, usin' th' plastic toys - er, er, er, _strategic forces markers_ is what we mean - th' Kuchiki heir had once given him as a gift.

_Now, put the sword back in its sheath ... thaaat's right ..._

14.

Kenpachi never expected ta listen attentively while Yachiru explained Brazilian waxes, an' tol' him she needed one. He also never expected that, with a grateful heart an' a face so red it you could'a seen it from Hueco Mundo, he would hand that whole thing _right_ over ta Yumichika Ayasegawa, who kami love him _volunteered_.

He also spent quite a lotta time _not wonderin'_ how Yumi knew about Brazilian waxes.

15.

Kenpachi never expected ta suddenly become incompetent ta buy his daughter's clothes. Pink, the right size. Shoulda been easy. But overnight they became far, far too important ta trust Kenpachi with, in his daughter's opinion. They now involved consultin' wit' magazines, whispered (or worse yet, audible but incomprehensible) conferences with Rangiku Matsumoto, Rukia Kuchiki, Momo Hinamori, Isane Kotetsu, Ini Kuchiki, Kiyone Kotetsu, an' Retsu Unohana, all of 'em if possible, an' trips to the Living World.

16.

Kenpachi never expected ta be firmly but politely excluded from these expeditions. After all, he read th' magazines, or at least looked through 'em. (His daughter never tol' him it was 'cause he snorted at all th' pictures. Yachiru didn' know what that was all about, an' she didn' wanna find out.)

17.

Kenpachi never expected ta be unable, for th' life o' him, ta tell th' difference between Steampunk and Gothloli. –Was that why they wouldn't let 'im go with 'em?

18.

Kenpachi never expected to be dead, certain, _sure_ when ta tell Yachiru ta go back ta her quarters an' try gettin' dressed again because nobody was gonna see his daughter wearin' _that_!

19.

Kenpachi never expected that eventually, Yachiru'd become a full-fledged adult in everyone's eyes but his own (and maybe Byakuya Kuchiki's). After all, she was, always has been, an' always will be Kenpachi's little girl.

20.

Kenpachi never expected that he _really_ didn' know what he was gettin' inta. (But even though he didn' ... he's kinda glad he did.)


End file.
